top of page

3 Common Parenting Misses


How often do you ask yourself if you are doing the "right" things as a parent? Is there really a right thing to do?


Today - now more than ever - we have all kinds of parenting ideas at our fingertips. Scrolling through social media, we are confronted with good and bad parenting, new ideas and strategies, loaded comments and criticisms.


Parenting is hard, and how do we know if we are doing it well? Yes, there are absolutely standards when it comes to healthy or intentional parenting. I talk about this with my clients regularly.


Here are a few ideas of Misses or Try Again Next Time interactions...




1. RESPONDING WHEN WE ARE EMOTIONALLY ACTIVATED

Now, before we all freak out because this seems impossible, lets talk about what it actually means. Having emotions is essential to connection and availability in our relationships (even those hot or more intense emotions). And oh boy is the relationship with our children sure to bring those bigger emotions out!

What we can focus on when it comes to our emotionality in parenting, is increasing our self awareness of when we are no longer able to engage without letting our emotions run the show. When we are emotionally activated, it is hard for us to reason, problem solve, or be available to the needs of others.

You might notice your body first: shaking, tension, or tears gathering in your eyes are common experiences. You might find your tone of voice changing. Whatever your tells are, it is your job to know them and intervene.


2. FOCUSING ON NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS AND CONSEQUENCES

This is the most common issues when activated parents bring up kiddo topics in session. We tend to focus on negative behaviors: when our child is disruptive, says something mean or hurtful, treats others with disrespect.

Yes, these are behaviors we want to address. Yes, these behaviors are upsetting for everyone involved. But no, these behaviors do not highlight your failings as a parent. And no, we do not need to prioritize consequences and "teaching moments" when working through negative behaviors.

Your children are tiny humans learning how to fit into a crazy world with lots of influences. Sometimes they do not know how to manage what it is like to be them in the big world. Sometimes they need time and space to figure out where they fit in - even if it hurts. Sometimes their little nervous systems need help regulating, and will not be available to anything else until they settle.


** I have to put in an asterisk here because you might be thinking, "well what do I do then?" I would encourage you to work on regulation and connection prior to discussing behaviors. Giving your kiddo some time to decompress or move away from the negative behavior can help everyone feel more stable.


3. PARENTING YOUR CHILDREN BASED ON THE NEEDS YOU HAD AS A CHILD

Whoa... What? It is incredibly common for parents to approach parenting from the needs they had during childhood. This is another self awareness skill - being aware of what our needs were and are, and how we look to get those needs met in our relationships. Our children have unique wants and needs that are completely separate from our own. Those needs are hard to recognize if we are focused on our own (whether you realize it or not). Finding ways to recognize your child's needs and being available to meeting those needs in the way that works best for them is super important. This will take time, and is not an all or nothing approach. Relationships are hard, and we are not meant to get it right every time. So take a breath, and learn how to be in the moment you are in as a parent.

Comments


Counseling Embodied

by Rebecca Jennings

©2022 by Counseling Embodied. 

bottom of page