Written by Laurie Nelson, LAC
How can I give emotional support to someone I care about?
It can feel uncomfortable when someone shares difficult feelings with us. It can be helpful to stop and think about what you would want or need to feel supported and also what you would find not helpful or welcomed.
Most people just want to be heard, understood and accepted and usually do not feel supported when their feelings are minimized, ignored or they are just told what they should do to fix it.
Here are some things that you can do to show empathy and understanding to your significant other, your children or teenagers, or friends, giving them the emotional support they need.
1. Listen without Fixing. When we talk with someone about what we are feeling or
experiencing, we are rarely looking for a solution. Instead we want to feel heard and
supported. So, the most important way to give emotional support is to listen,
attentively, to what is being said. Listen without judging or solving or giving advice.
Listen without simultaneously working out what you will say. Listen with compassion
and as much understanding you can have about what they are experiencing.
Listening means:
Stop what you are doing (phone down!) and make eye contact.
Nod your head and make encouraging sounds (oh, uh-huh, hmmm, wow)
Reflect back their words, “Man, you are really angry that your teacher said that
to you in front of the class.”
2. Validate the Emotion. A person’s feelings belong to them. Even if you don’t
understand, agree with or feel comfortable with their feeling, it is important not to
judge what they are feeling or tell them the feeling is wrong or unimportant.
Validating is saying things like:
“It sounds like you are really upset about this.”
“I imagine it is really difficult for you to feel this way.”
“I think many people might feel this way if they were in your shoes.”
“It seems like you are feeling really sad about this.”
3. Offer support or assistance. This is not taking charge and telling the person what they
should do. This is offering to give the person what they believe they need in the
moment to feel supported. How do you know what they need? You ask!
Be Supportive by asking:
“You are so upset right now. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Would you like a hug?”
“What would be helpful to you right now?”
“I am right here if you need anything. Let me know how I can be of help.”
4. Reinforce and reassure. When we share our feelings, we make ourselves vulnerable
and can worry about how the relationship might be affected. It is important that you
reinforce the connection you have with this person and reassure them of your care for
them.
Reassurance sounds like:
“I am glad our friendship is strong enough that you felt comfortable sharing with
me.”
“Thanks for sharing this with me. I am here for you if you need something
more.”
“It means a lot to me that you could be open about your feelings. I really care
about you.”
When we are upset or hurting, usually we just want to feel heard, understood and
accepted. Showing support to someone we love who is struggling is really just about
being present, listening and asking what they want or need from you.
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